5/4/2015 6 Comments Bad Writing Monday: wtf?I was going to try a pun on metaphor, but I'm not sure the examples today are supposed to be metaphors. I'm not sure what it is at all. It doesn't really matter what the characters say, because the actual dialogue is the only thing that sort of makes sense in all this, although they can't seem to use contractions. All quotes are from a passage the author describes as "beautiful and sad".
He pulled at her lips and she dropped her face, where he felt her body steaming like the white wiffs of milk into his back. The word like implies a simile? It might work if I knew what steaming white wiffs of milk were. It almost makes me forget my concern for exactly where she dropped her face. The sentence does suggest that she dropped it into the steaming white wiffs, but her body is already there... I think? ... he said, noting the way she looked with her hair tied back, and the ginger cat smile that remained like a friend who had stayed in the background as to not mess up his home life, the friendship that had more of him, than his wife. I'm not sure if he has a friend that his wife's smile reminds him of, or if this is another painfully bad simile. I'm going with option B, based on the author saying "like a friend" instead of "like the friend" but your guess is as good as any. Normally with a Bad Writing Monday post, I can usually suss out what the author meant to say, but in this case... no. ...she would continue through the slight passage way of his lips down until she was fully dressed in his skin, and then she would pop out his eye balls one by one and call his face a mundane form of entertainment on her dry and boring nights of doing laundry and envying her sister’s joy. See, a man comes home from work and his wife accidentally stumbles across him, and wants to have sex -- that's the lip pulling and face dropping and steaming milk on his back bit -- but he doesn't want to, I'm guessing from that description, which comes just after he says he's tired and he wants to go to bed. Also the walls are getting off on watching them. Or so it seems from this passage: “You look nice today,” he said from his lips as the walls watched them with the slime of attention. Yes, he said from his lips, as the walls... I don't even. Then we get how his wife feels about wanting to have sex with her husband: Like a pig in the barn yard, she was rolling around in the dirt, and playing with the strange sensation and was not in any mood to clean herself. So hubby decides he wants to have sex after all: It was the strangeness of sex, as he watched her move, studied her meaningless thoughts as she pulled her hand through her hair and looked bored as her eyes grazed over his book covers, his flaccid face that was watching her back. I guess if he can study her meaningless thoughts, that bit where she's comparing herself to a pig rolling in dirt really turned him on. I'll agree it's strange sex. ...she said as she closed her ears and tried to focus on the water running inside of her, the water that sounded more beautiful than a man. ...what? “Your breasts are nice,” he mumbled feeling her nipples under her skin, feeling his lust fleeting with the whips of air. They're in the bedroom. I don't know how her nipples got under her skin or where the whips of air came from. I'm glad it was a short excerpt because I only have so many wtf's to mutter per thousand words, and I've already been on Wattpad today (I know, I'm a glutton for punishment.)
6 Comments
Dick
5/4/2015 02:10:57 pm
And I thought i had a free-wheeling imagination..
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I guess the scary part for me is that I think I can actually decipher the "ginger cat" paragraph.
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Syd
5/5/2015 09:26:07 am
The problem is, this entire passage is one scene the author describes as a "sad and beautiful sex scene in a lonely marriage" involving only the husband and wife. (they never do have sex, I think, though maybe the part where he possibly thrusts his penis through a rapidly closing door may be describing a sex act. But then he apologizes and says he has something better to do and she says, "It is okay." As people do.)
That IS his wife? Okay, in that case, I am totally confused.
Syd
5/12/2015 01:58:52 am
Just use long sentences, horrible metaphors and similes, et voila ~ it's Literary!
Syd
5/5/2015 09:28:17 am
ah, but when you free-wheel, you still make sense... :)
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